So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
We videoed ourselves having sex... I now know why I close my eyes during sex
well most of my day revolves around power hour
Hes sobering up now. He was just really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while he was telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together..
did you really just refer to me me as an old fashioned penis?
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
Just think Febushuary. A whole month of 70's esque bush! This is the dream
I need vitamin water and Jesus :/
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
Asking me to suck on my nipples isn't going to make me less mad at you.
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
ok first of all what the fuck
There is sex in the air. Be careful where you walk.
Randomize
