It was all fun and games until Tim shit on the end table
you rubbed the head of my dick and said "I shall call you Squishy and you shall be mine and you shall be my Squishy."
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
She carries her pencils in a crown royal bag... Need I say more?
There are going to be so many Snookis this Halloween that I might just dress as the guy that hit her and punch them all in the face
Let's have sex soon. Just us!! Its sad that I have to specify.
at least the person I hooked up with donates to charity, the shirt I was wearing this morning was his relay for life shirt.
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
Im so hungover I just threw up at the sight of a CARTOON CRABBY PATTY
I accidentally mass texted his dick pic. Not only to my friends, but to my dad as well...
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
Randomize
