i'm saving my butt for my wedding night
Michael Bay diarrhea
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
Somehow I gave him blood blisters on his dick...I don't know if I'm that good or that bad.
Apparently my gaydar only works on americans. Frenchie capris has two topless chicks in our kitchen making him breakfast.
He said he forgot to take his shoes off, and that he was a bad boy because he was walking on the carpet. Then he sang. Then he shouted "I'M STILL FORGETTING."
SANTA'S REAL. I GOT MY PERIOD.
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
Tequila pump. I'm ecstatic your engineering degree has real world application.
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
I got high and had sex with reindeer antlers on. It was magical and animalistic. Tia the season.
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
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