my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
Sry I left before you woke up. The house was really fucked up and I didn't feel like helping you clean. PS Somebody threw up on your dog
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
Not quite sure what happened last night. I'll drive your dresser over to you later.....
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
puking in a sink with a garbage disposal Fucking. Rules. It's like you're punishing your puke when you're done.
Confession: Sometimes I wear my stolen scrubs to the corner store because people will think I'm a doctor and not just a girl too lazy to change out of her pajamas.
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
She is the Michael Jordan of blowjobs. Unfortunately, her baby sister is the Michael Jordan of baseball of blowjobs. It does not run in the family.
We've had gay sex and pie, the holiday season has officially begun.
Everybody posting sickening holiday couple pics and I'm over here deepthroating a bottle of whiskey.
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
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