Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
You pulled the fire alarm because you had to shit and there was someone in the bathroom. you said you needed privacy
it would be nice to just get drunk, not hook up with anyone, and not die this weekend
The world is my kaleidiscope. I see whatever the alcohol wants me to.
Too bad you can't keep me under your desk. You'd love that wouldn't you? Massages, blowjobs, and I'd be forced to be quiet all day.
you are not my drinking buddy, you are my drinking enemy.
I've been told that their best stripper is on maternity leave. NEVER AGAIN.
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
I got back and Katie was asleep holding a burrito. I woke her up and she ate it and passed back out.
i need to put some appletini on your dick
No, the high point was when you stood on a chair and shouted you were the god of tits and wine.
the only thing I remember was some guy took out his fake eye to use it for beer pong
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
Randomize
