i want to have as much fun as i did last weekend. but plus the condom and minus the fear.
Then, he just started shoving orange pieces in my mouth as a chaser
its not like she's the last girl on the planet with symmetrical breasts and great skin
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
And I'm not sure if that's how you pluralize penis. Never planned on needing to know that in my life.
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
Shrimp lo Mein doused in green apple Smirnoff is a rare delicacy only a few get to experience..guess I should consider myself lucky
I want someone to sweep me off my feet and you want someone to fuck you on the kitchen table. They're both perfectly logical needs.
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
Saying you need a hooker then asking me to have sex is NOT the way to get laid. Booty call 101.
The cops just came to this party I'm at and ate all of our snacks
Dude just crushed our bbq lays and told us to quiet down
if i do community service solely to impress a guy, everyone wins, right?
except your soul
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
HOW CAN YOU EXPECT ME TO KEEP YOUR SECRETS IF YOU KEEP ON TELLING ME THEM.
Who’s got two thumbs and just got laid in the administration building?
Randomize
