At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
I seriously just washed my dick in a public restroom. That's how dirty last night got
i think its awesome that according to your mom i'm your friend that caught on fire.
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
Then you screamed "fuck her like shes not your sister tonight" at the people walking down the road.
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
You dislocated his arm and then bought him two shots to numb the pain while you pushed it back in
Girl on the bus just slammed her book shut, turned to me and said "I'm way to fucking high to be studying"
So I got hit in the face with a frying pan. So def wont be at work for first break if I'm there at all
no, she just came home, mumbled about being a gerbil out of water then ate half cooked chicken nuggets.. normal night
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
All I know is I drank too much, danced too little.. yet somehow woke up on the floor in the arms of some cowboy.
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
I couldn't even tell you how many times I've said "wrong hole" today
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
Randomize
