Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
So I just googled the ten commandments... Were fucked.
She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
They just caught the deck on fire and I ran out with cups off the beer pong table filled with water from the toilet. It was the closest water source.
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
Bad breakup?
He posted a pic of me fully naked and smiling as he inserted a carrot into my vagina as my FB profile pic and then changed the PW, locking me out of my own account. So 500 of my closest friends, family, and coworkers now have that mental image of me on FB.
She was wearing my robin hood hat from Halloween shouting "steal from the rich and give to the poor, mothafuckaaaaas." We are taking her everywhere.
We have to have sex twice when i get back. I miss you sex, and thank god the nhl lockout is over sex. I will happily let you wear your sharks jersey during it and i will wear my ducks jersey, and it will be mad rivalry sex.
You just jumped of the couch and yelled "hidden tiger crouching dragon!" That's the answer to how you broke your finger.
Apparently after I threw up I put my socks in the toilet......
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
Someone messaged me on POF and wished me a Happy International Women's Day. Why do I even bother anymore?
By the time I realized I was watching a Danish porno with muppets it was already too late
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
Randomize
