life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
Who did Billy Mays play for?
you refused to come out of the bathroom until i asked you in spanish
Well on the bright side, I only need a sophomore to complete the fuck-a-guy-from-every-year-challenge.
She just had to change the song on the radio cause I was tap dancing on her windshield
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
I'm having salsa con queso and a leftover half-drank/flat red bull for breakfast. Nothing you propose doing today would be a downgrade.
So... crashing at the hot bartender's place is not a solid marital decision.
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
dude I just found tht weird ass guy u invited last night passed out in my closet.... apparently he "couldn't find the exit"
I don't know bro. If a girl makes you cum hard enough that you pull a back muscle, she might be the perfect one to call for a massage on said muscle.
My boss want to throw me an everclear birthday.
I woke up covered in thousand island dressing. I need answers.
We both shit in the same closet in Santa Fe. Nothing is sacred anymore.
Apparently the girl he banged in the bathroom yelled at him for hitting on me all night. But whatever, he was holding her hand for most of it
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