I am at the point in my high where i now know/understand chinese.
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
margarita scented body wash shouldn't be used the morning after cuervo. there should be a warning on the label.
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
i should not be allowed to orgasm that much in one day.
oh and then you called a time out with your penis
I have fiberglass splinters all over my hands and woke up with a sign that says PUMPKINS in my room.
I called her 20 times. Apparently she went home to do MORE shots before bed. Didnt miss me until this morning. WHO FORGETS THEIR HIGHSCHOOL SISTER AT A FRAT?
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
I totally intended to come to the hotel, but I woke up in a parking lot
The struggle is real.
I jammed my finger giving him a hand job. Don't ask how, I'm still trying to figure that out.
I ended up snorting coke while wearing a Bavarian dress and I feel like I need to reevaluate my life
He was publicly touching my boobs before I even knew he's a famous World Cup skier.... That's how hot he was
My eye was non-stop itchy for like an hour... I thought burying my face in your ass caught up with me
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
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