I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
I'm just looking at Lindsay Lohan's vagina.
Oh yea! I was just doing that too!
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
walking through the french quarter. a homeless guy just offered me a pigeon. gotta love new orleans.
We just did a shot to "getting laid in the bar bathroom". I love where this thursday is headed
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
Min and u sung xhionubjs. Cause that's what u kiij like a xhionunk
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
She's trying to put on her dog muzzle on her self
At what point do you think my baptist preacher of a father will clue in that my brother "bringing a foreign exchange student" for thanksgiving means "bringing his european boyfriend and they'll probably fuck every night" for thanksgiving?
No Bryan wants to get drunk, rub inappropriate dudes legs, talk about my vagina and send me pics of his boomerang dick. That's not how you watch basketball.
That's how he does EVERYTHING!
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
I round house kicked her emotions in the face
Look at us. Planning our business meeting. Including snacks like shrooms & trail mix.
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
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