he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
While she was crying about breaking up, he looked at her through his fork and said "of course she's upset, she's in jail." Having sex with him tonight.
remind me not to puke in the mesh trash can tonight
I still love him regardless of his misguided forays into heterosexuality
Could someone please explain the rug burn on the right side of my face and do I need a shot of penicillin?
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
when the washing machine is on all the beer bottles jiggle and clink against each other... "drink us drink us drink us"
Why are you surprised? I've only ever liked older guys since I was a 3 yr old crushing on her pediatrician.
There is nothing wrong with me introducing you as elephant dick. Nothing.
Your anal douche was on bathroom counter. Now it's in dumpster. Not ok. I am mad. Very mad.
Would you consider masturbating to Hocus Pocus an adulthood high or low?
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
never let me tell the bartender to cut me off, i basically told on myself
Randomize
