Nothing gets me like the O.C. theme song does.
absolutely not. he will always be that kid that threw up a ham and cheese sandwich in fourth grade to me.
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
No Robbie is the name of a kid or dog, not an adult man who's fucking you.
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
someone needs to name a hurricane after you
I'm starting to think that birthday sex is just an urban legend. Like the boogey man, and woman orgasms.
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
My sex toys have been held in customs for almost a month now. They're British, what the hell?!?
sometimes you just have to listen to beyonce and cry. that's how life works
Yes please. My parents would fucking love him and I'd love fucking him. That's a win-win if I've ever seen one.
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
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