im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
Just learned how to deliver a baby.the things i saw tonight can never be unseen
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
she said she's never had and orgasm AND she's a cubs fan...ouch.
My summer fucks are coming back to haunt me with a vengeance.
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
Member that time when we got super drunk and had fun and fell in love
I remember it like it was tomorrow.
I'm just saying; the box truck will cost less then dorms or rent, and we can always crash where the party is.
Well I can't be held accountable to know every which time you slid a finger here or slid a finger there. I'm way too busy getting close to climaxing to document these things.
Only you can make me eat tacos in your car, while naked, on a dead end road in a ditch on a Thursday night.
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
I was so high I watched a 5 minute video of different scenes of horses running. The music was magical.
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
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