When you come back do you think I could print anorexic pictures of Mary-Kate?
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
I turned down free cocaine. I both respect and regret and that decision.
like a sex slave...but with a better dental insurance plan
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
It's like the bermuda triangle of cat puke
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
He was spooning with the dog when I came home. Now shes afriad to go near him. Should I ask?
They were so big her bra clasped in the front. Didn't even know those existed.
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
You've never sent a girl a dick pic?
Call me old fashioned
So the doorbell rang while we were banging, and I'm pretty sure the pizza man saw my dick. But hey, we got pizza.
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
It was bad. U were calling my cat "kittiano" and playing her like a piano. Way too drunk my friend.
Randomize
