Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
you told me to make out with him to promote the social success of the sorority
There is a semi-attractive guy at the door who's looking for you. Says he met you on Chatroulette. Start explaining NOW.
We can talk tomorrow when we're both alert. My mind is somewhere else right now.
Where's it at?
In your pants.
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
He's covered in dirt and enchiladas. We're going drinking now.
Most people would probably take his lack of responses as a queue to stop. But nope, not me. I just keep going. And that's why I don't have a bf, just a little weinered friend
Also bring a pizza or no entry to my vagina OR the fort.
Cheese only
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
For future reference, don't put tape on your nipples. Ouch.
I wish everyone could suck his dick. It was an honor.
One day soon I'll learn the difference between a good high and way too high. Today is not the day.
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
There's a fly in my room repeatedly throwing itself at my window, and I feel it's really symbolic of what I want to do with my future
Randomize
