i barely touched his dick and all of a sudden he yells, "BONER!"
last nights makeup is better than no makeup at all.
you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
By the way, thank you for feeding me fries when I was sitting on the floor.
got one for peeing in public....called the cop a donut dunking communist...should be a fun court appearance
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
The window painters skipped us. They didn't know what to do with the giant SMOKE WEED in the window. So they just skipped it.
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
Trying to figure out if the guy I'm with right now is the same guy I met spring break
Oh duude it is the guy from spring break! Awk.
So I had sex in the woods today. Anything else that happened today? Irrelevant. It was a GOOD day.
What type of bandaid should I use on my clit
all I remember the next morning was crawling through the doggy door and finding my underwear in my purse
What am I thankful for..I figured out I can drink on antibiotics without getting sick thanks to the power of pot gummies
I woke up, topless, my car was parked funny so I threw on my hoodieto go fix it and found a jello shot in my pocket. where did I go last night?!
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
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