Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
His mom just described him as a manipulative, deceitful bastard -- oddly I still want him
Woke up on the floor holding a sandwich. Shots. Never again.
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
Hold on there are flying pancakes I can't handle this right now
no i brought the cat to the bar. I got a weird look when I walked in but now everyone loves her.
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
College: when you have to set an alarm to start drinking
THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
He's been pretending to be gay for 3 months in order to get free weed.
And you are going to be so turned on by my batman skills later
Everybody posting sickening holiday couple pics and I'm over here deepthroating a bottle of whiskey.
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
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