omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
the only plus side is that now I'll be able to tell my son not to trust the condoms that his college gives away..........
we just ordered 30 dollars worth of french fries...whats wrong with us?
This is the prime rib incident all over again
He wants to know how I lost my bra in his pants....id like to know too
He smashed a plastic chair leg on a tree stump, threw himself into the side of our metal enclosure, stomped on the wreckage for a bit and then punched the fire.
chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
I almost went home with him but then my hydroxycut fell out of my purse at the bar and I ran away
This may be the alcohol talking, but I'm pretty sure I know Spanish now
The dominatrix coworker is currently listening to pop music that has been translated into an Irish dialect and sung by high school kids. Every day gets weirder here.
He drunk texted me what I think is two snails fucking on a mushroom. Is "you sick bastard" too mild a rejection?
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
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