I hate myself for knowing the words to party in the USA.
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
If you bang a chick other than your girlfriend while playing tiger woods on xbox I wonder if an accomplishment would come up...
Of course... Double fistin nati light cuz the powers out and it cuts down the times i gotta open the fridge... Genius
Those people having sex on the beach kept looking over at you guys throwing his shoes at the seagulls.
You have to wear the princess leia gold bikini every Sunday
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
I really have to stop having sex with people I sell drugs to...it feels unprofessional
I'm giving head in a stairwell, I'll be back in a few minutes. I'm so ashamed.
All she said to me before going to get another shot was "Damn, I'd eat her out."
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
That butt dial turned into a booty call.
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
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