The best part was that when I woke up, I poked her with my dick to wake her up, and said, "Hi, I'm Alex. Nice to meet you". Shoulda seen the look on her face. Priceless.
All I remember was the chick screaming "don't hookup with him! His dick's the size of a cucumber"
drunk making out is the fucking beeeest. specially when it's your exboyfriend
I wonder if you'll be as excited about this as you are now tomorrow morning.
We found them in a dumpster making out trying to get their privacy
do you think semen can infect my impacted wisdom tooth
ITS DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME SUNDAY EVERYTHING IS GOING TO BE OK AFTER ALL
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
Tell Chris I said sorry for yelling "It's my vagina, let me do what I want with it!" at the party last night.
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
Dude... She just sent me a story of how she wants to fuck me on a boat and call me her captain.. Well ahoy mateys, lets set sail
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
She asked how comfortable I was with her while we were in the shower. She then proceeded to pee in said shower.
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
He said he loved me more than Kel loves orange soda
the result of growing up in the '90's
I'm just really glad SD weather is so erratic so I can get away with wearing a scarf in May to cover up these hickeys.
Randomize
