you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.
Ducking stuck downtown...all the fuxkig roads are blixkded
he actually used the line "do you have a map, because i'm lost in your eyes" and i was to drunk to care
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
Also you were throwing your phone yelling this is durable as shit
he told me he was watching a movie and he'd be over later and i asked how long. he said 8 inches give or take. you cease to amaze me with the guys you set me up with.
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
I found him with a guitar and his kitten in his room. He was singing a song he'd titled "you're a cat". Guess what most of the lyrics were...
I'm gonna give him birthday punches. On the dick. With my mouth.
You are going to come home to a suitcase in the fridge. Just go with it.
The worst part about living in a small town is partying with your pharmacist and then having to buy Plan B from him the next morning.
For reals. He's my age and he still hangs out at his frat house & gets hammered every weekend. Idk if I'm jealous of him or if I pity him
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
She could hold her breath for a long time. Best underwater blowjob ever.
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
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