You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
She seriously needs to find another hobby other than bouncing on cock.
You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
I just got three quarters of the way there before I realized I was way too stoned for class so I bought a smoothie and walked home.
They had miseltoe over the keg.... thats cheating
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
Dude, he threw a pool chair off of an 8 story building. It was a successful night I'd say.
I don't think I even want to know why you are sending my husband pictures of your nutsack.
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
I think the lady at jack in the box started crying when we put in our order.
So our bartender was in the bathroom the same time I was so I ordered a beer mid stream.....is that weird?
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
Okay. Did I say I did anything unusual? Because I usually do weird stuff. Did I clean mirrors? My mirrors are really clean, and I think I remember having windex..
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
Randomize
