I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
I briefly wondered why they weren't in school, but after the tinier one shouted "check out dem titties!" I had my answer
I almost itched my nose with the lit end of a cigarette. Help.
She gatecrashed the wedding and managed to get an invite to the open bar reception. Lucky bitch
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
Why is there multiple peanut butter and toasts stuck to the fridge door?
Just told my roommate about "analvice" and she is horrified and the Sound of Music is ruined.
Of course he's seen my tits, I wave those things around like a trump supporter does an American flag
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
I can't take 'get a man' advice from you. You'll stick your penis in a warm banana peel.
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
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