so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
I just made easy mac in my blender. Beat that.
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
At the same time. Hot men feeding me brownies. In between rounds of sex.
He's almost as awesome as vicodin.
Can i tell him you said that? Cuz i know that means a lot coming from you
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
True idk how my parents didn't know I was blackout. I ate like 4 pieces of cheesecake and showed my cousins my boobs
also please imagine me hopping a fence at 3am using two chairs. It was a shit show. K's guy practically ripped her off the top of the fence bc she got semi stuck. It was like watching Disney on Bud Ice.
Imagine Arby's curly fries spiraled around a dick
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
Like what? And no, shrooms cannot be party favors.
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
WHY THE FUCK DOES RICKY'S BROTHER GET AN ENTIRE POT OF PASTA FOR BEING SHIRTLESS AND ALL I GET IS ARRESTED?!
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
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