that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
I don't remember. I remember laying in the trunk of a car. For hours.
im that hungover where parking at red lights has to be done
So my dealer asked me if I wanted to join his circle because we smoked so much this summer he thinks we're dealing
There are some sad choices of men in the ER. That one was missing teeth. Not the place to find a husband.
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
That Kevin guy is something else...His penis is fucking glorious. And he has a way with words. If he lived here I'd be the conductor of the fuck caboose. I mean literally I would never want to get off that thing.
We can't shop at Hobby Lobby anymore. They don't like Plan B which basically runs through our veins.
I knew it was on when all she had to say about the handcuffs was 'I really hope these adjust tighter!'
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
My Sexting was not on an AP level
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
I hope that will b the last time i take off my pants in the chemistry building.
Dude. Don't do acid and go to Disney on ice. Hear my warnings. That snow monster will fuck your shit up.
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
