Remember that sex scene from American Psycho?
Ya, why?
We should try that some time.
Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
Just taught my suite how to queef. I feel like i'm back in 9th grade!
Watching marley and me... this girls got me whipped man
hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
Its official, drinking for 15 hours counts as a suicide attempt
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
Holy crap, church bells in Cibolo just scared the hell out of me. I'm pretty sure they were yelling sinner at me.
Please don't tell me that blonde guys name is Matthew I won't be able to fuck a guy with my brothers name
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
Just leave a note saying "riding dick see you in the mornig"
I guess you never know how much of an impact you have on someone until you sleep with their cousin
Something I never want to forget. I'm in a porta potty and she is outside knocking on the door going "You're a queen. You're a queen. Never think any different"
WTF. I was 99% sure I went straight home last night. I just woke up hugging a chair, and my tux pocket has a flask filled with what I think is red bull and gatorade. This has to be your doing.
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
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