OMg patrick swayze is the sexuest man he is killing me I'm gonna get dehydrated if I don't stop looking at him
It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
the three of them together have enough kids to fill a barney live audience.
Whenever I said your name you screamed polo and did another shot.
just added God to my list of friends who can only see my limited profile on facebook. its such a relief to know that He can't watch me fuck up my life anymore.
Great. Me and the intoxalock guy are getting so close he just said "alright see you later girl!" when I called about getting the blower recallibrated.
I don't know. I woke up in the back of a cab in a drive thru line at whataburger with police lights flashing and my friend yelling" you didn't have to sell us out phil!" to the cab driver.
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
Ok well hopefully you're not staging an intervention for me at your place because I'm bringing beers
Of course I understand. Thou shalt never turn down a free meal or drink. It's one of the commandments of being a girl.
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
Randomize
