im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
I have diapers under my sink. trying to convince myself to use them.
Tequila bombs in champagne seemed like a good idea at the time.
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
he fucked me so hard i could feel my pelvis shifting. like i legit feel more prepared for childirth now
Another day, another engagement, another cat
CSI Miami is on and the guy is trying to save this woman who got shot. By stripping off his shirt & belt. THE WOMAN NEEDS YOUR PANTS OFF TOO
When you glanced over and and mouthed "I'll take the fat chick" I knew it was going to be an epic Sunday night.
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
I am dancing alone in my bathroom because I was paranoid the neighbors were watching through the windows
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
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