This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
He shouted my World of Warcraft name while we were having sex, and he was sober.
Dude I thought this was going to suck, but moving back in with my dad is like being at a frat party every night only everyone is 40 years old.
I'm sorry the first time we hungout you had to witness me throw up in the ocean then army crawl to shore.
she is legit wearing a plastic bag around her neck as a necklace. she says it serves two purposes.
You were being mean. And telling everyone to suck your six inch strap on. People were not pleased
Please be lying.
Im not. Your family was creeped out
My Internet history has 23 searches for 24 hour cake. Self respect plummeting.
I woke up to the sound of him repeatedly tapping out SOS in Morse Code using his hard cock.
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
We had sex and I never took my mets hat off... I feel like Duda knows and approves.
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
So...I know we have a conversation later this week. But one of the key things I want to know is if I can specify having my body mummified and buried in Egypt (or at least nearby the Luxor in Vegas). How much money do you think that would cost? Do I need to increase my life insurance policy?
If I lock her out of the apartment right now would the neighbors have grounds to sue?
fell asleep while jerking off ln. woke up to my hand in my pants and my cat crawling all over me
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