I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
we did it on the carpet and she just yells out "OH. MY PSORIASIS".
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
Adams eating in the shower, he says it's one of his favorite places to eat. Btw it's milanos he's eating, he says he loves italy too.
would really like to know how the teddy bear got super glued to my testicles.
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
He has a clip art-style heart tattooed on his hip. I hated him way before I saw his tiny dick.
She wont be able to take it all. I'll use a shoe horn to get it in if I have to.
Rub those nipples and moan like a platypus.
Jesus, are you hammered?
Hammered for that juicy ass. I'll bring the straws.
I came in your room, you looked at me and said "I fucked up" and then some kid showed up and took you to the hospital
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
So, my love of dick may have landed me in a cult. On the bright side, I now have a discount at Spencer's.
Honestly I really just want to do you in the mail truck. Thought about it a lot today
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