Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
in case you havent found it already in honor of Toy story 3 we wrote ANDY on the bottom of your foot while you were passed out on the couch.
he turned the pretty ricky playlist on. its about to go down.
Had her hockey skates on in the house. Whole floor is ruined.
She just gave me a free latte.
Correction. She just have you a frothy, creamy path to that vagina.
I just got woken up by some Christians who wanted to talk about the bible. ways to make a hangover even worse for a thousand trebek
So I thought the party was crazy before his pinky came off...
By the taste of his semen he isnt vegetarian and therefore lied to me to take me home on a brighter note i stole his fondue set
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
Give me an out of order sign and caution tape and we can have sex practically anywhere.
I was thrusting to the beat of Felix Navidad..
Is it appropriate to be taking shots at 11 on sunday?
Absolutely same thing as church only different
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