I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
Eating meat and looking at porn while roommate is at church for Ash Wednesday. Win.
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
No, the weekend was great. It was the waking up in the pond in the raft without an oar that sucked. That fucking water is cold at 7am.
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
If I puke off the kayak tomorrow think nothing of it.
Vodka?
Forever.
CONGRATULATIONS! You have won: pictures of my nipples!
You probably shouldn't do that...but if you do take pictures
Working nightshift means its never too early to start drinking- and you can quote me on that
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
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