Uhhh...do I owe you any money? Or an apology? Or anything?
So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.
was it you or me who tried to make the, what appears to be, nacho cake in the oven?
The last thing I remember is trying to split my bridesmaid dress down the back like the incredible hulk.
and you succeeded.
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
I still can't believe he came down from his hiding place in the tree voluntarily because he didn't want us to have to talk to the cops alone...
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
I just laughed at the word pudding. I have no idea whats going on right now.
It's gay softball weekend. Lots of hot gay strangers to go home with.
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
It was like a Thanksgiving meal, which you spend 8 hours cooking, and the family wolfs down in 20 minutes. All that flirting and build-up for like 90 seconds of pumping and he was gone in a flash, never to be heard from again.
He told me"I think your ready for this" and went into his closet whipped out a movie certiffied light saber.
I'm going to give you the best blowjob of your life. And yes you can use my mom's printer.
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
Need to use your shower bro.
FWB wearing glitter again?
It’s like she’s marking her territory
Randomize
