The bar is filled with bros right now. Sucks I had to pay $5 to find that out.
Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
Michael Jackson had a heart attack when he found out boyz to men was a music group not a delivery service.
I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
We got them high and they had an hour long debate on the best way to get cum out of eyes.
you better fuck at least one or both of them.
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
I learned an important lesson this weekend.... I'm way to good at sex to travel for it. From now on he drives here...
Guy in our group took down a chick in a wheelchair last night.
you know it takes a lot for me to use utensils conservatively
So I vaguely remember making out with you this morning, I think you were on a date?
my first words to him the next morning were "do you like magic"?
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
He danced with some other girls and you started yelling "I can't believe I wasted half my Chili's gift card on you" at him
Call it slutty but I take pride in being a first round draft pick booty call. And I know I was first cause he texted me at 1030a
His face will be in my vagina later so I'm willing to forgive.
Randomize
