I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow
I am growing concerned with the number of people here in cowboy hats
he called me back to his office so he could lick a line of pixie stick off of my thigh
be sure to add "office slut" to your resume
It's just a condom. Most people would commend me for saying I was going to start using them, and you're acting like I'm going to try heroin.
mid blow job she looked up and said "we aren't even facebook friends!"
It involved anal and pop rocks. Tell me how that could have ended well.
YOU COME FROM SAD WHALE FAMILY, DEEP IN OCEAN!
Cops on bikes. I think I can outrun them.
Everything is just really out of control. I hear puking from three different parts of the house. Roger has black eye from being punched. Kaiser tried shaving his head, but somehow burned himself. Music is bumping, but everyone is either puking and calling out for help or blacked the fuck out.
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
I can't remember what I did last night, but judging from the state of my hair I had a pretty good time.
oh, he’s out of jail btw. as of about 6pm. one of his customers bonded him out apparently lol
Like he really got a coke fiend to bond him out?
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