every time I worry about a career mistake, I remember Michelle Pfeiffer did Grease 2.
how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
This is the prime rib incident all over again
I don't think you'd be able to understand Inception if you weren't high...
Define 'illegal'. Your idea of it and my idea are in separate universes.
whiskey dick. though we did manage to break my closet door and flood the bathroom.
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
One day her vagina is just going to shrivel up and seal itself with it's self preservation mechanism
Glad to know I rate above a cabbage on the parenting scale.
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
tried to suck my ex boyfriends dick last night at a bar... Happy homecoming from me to you
Do u have any idea how hard it is to masturbate in a CVS bathroom when your name is being called over the speakers to pick up a prescription for painkillers?
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
I can't tell if my need for dick is more than my want to strangle him
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