Dude, I couldnt get it up cause she said her parents were home...
ok, come over...I have doritos
He famously once noted that women should wear white "like all other domestic appliances,"
Just got a script for 120 vicodin with 6 refills. I feel like michael jackson.
I could make treat bags
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
we weren't quite sure what was on that mirror, so we snorted it and hoped for the best
NO I WOULD NOT GET A GUMMER FROM A GRANDMOTHER
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
He is really drunk but I just found $20 so it's like I am getting paid to babysit
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
I can always count on you to keep my boobs honest
Yea and there’s destruction when we’re together, mostly of our livers but W/e
Randomize
