I told her at least we still had each other. That's when she started crying.
How do u explain cocaine to a 9 year old?
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
Agreed. And i highly doubt it could be awkward. You do remember our introduction was a direct result of you mentioning your affinity for my genitals, right?
Is it possible to get a DUI in a wheelchair that's not yours?
I noticed a trail of vomit coming up the drive way. You must be home
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
She could makes a perfectt roast dinner drunk but she nearly sets the kitchen alight microwaving popcorn.
dude I just found tht weird ass guy u invited last night passed out in my closet.... apparently he "couldn't find the exit"
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
I was actually kind of excited. I mean, how many people can say they've been question by the CIA?
Mike fell asleep with his hand down my pants. I'm clearly an enticing person.
...Just hit my fuck buddy with my car.
Love it. I wish you see me right now. I'm counting cash on my bed with no shirt on, beauty and the beast sound track on blast. Fucking creepin it up.
RICK FUCKING MORANIS!!!!!
Randomize
