Got a toothbrush?
They said "my eyes made me look intoxicated" ......we harassed them all night and we called the cops and told them that the bouncer that kicked us out was selling meth in the club ...and then we went to wendys
i love that when i tell my kids and grandkids about how we first met it will be about this little thing called a "poke" on facebook
Fell asleep in bio again. Sometimes i feel like college is just one really expensive nap.
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
Dude I need help. What word is complimentary, but sounds like "chunky"?
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
THIS IS NO TIME FOR SHAME JOSH. JUST GOTTA GET IT IN. PURELY FOR LEVELING UP PURPOSES
I think I just gave my niece a weed pinata...
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
Let's get the cat blown out
Scary. I hope people take me seriously. Maybe I should black out less to be sure
It's like the perfect sandwich, once you find it you want to ensure your future access to it.
Randomize
