I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
So yesterday I was on craigslist and I saw a listing for a sofa-cum-bed. I knew what they meant...
she just took a shower. i'll probs go down on her to encourage shower taking. it's like pavlov, you know?
I can't wait to get all this Makers out of my shoe.
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
Please tell me you've ingested more than weed and Oreos today
We found her on the doorstep. Just layin down going, "I made it home!! Aren't you proud??!"
True freedom is running around a sex club in former power plant in Berlin wearing a boots, a jock
I think pretend fucking a camel is a good thing to do downtown. They loved me.
We turned a watering can into a margarita bong.
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
How hard do you think it would be to make a drinking game out of a Slip-N-Slide? Asking for a friend.
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
I have a video on my phone of someone streaking in my house last night, do you have any idea who it is?
Randomize
