You're mentally unstable and I would hate to be you
I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
pop tarts are not kleenex
I fucked her to her "thinking of him" playlist. Sucks to be that guy haha
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
...She was shooting whiskey using a turkey baster...i was horrified.
Blacked out, Had to be carried out of the bar again by two large black bouncers. Asked them to be my "boo thangz" Again.
There was a pirates of the caribbean marathon on. No matter how much you like rum, it is NOT possible to outdrink the pirates. They always win.
its weird that my cat bites every fat chick i bring home. i repeat every fat chick, qhT KINDA FRIEND ARE YOU
Now you know my pain. Live with it. Own it. Recognize it. Cause its like shitting napalm.
I confess. I just downed the bottle of saki. And I'm singing phantom of the opera to the dogs. Be glad you're not here for the high notes.
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
Like a gentleman I waited until you were done vomming to start my Big Mac.
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
We're so high we're eating flavored lube.
Randomize
