The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
It's like there's a party and my mouth and everyone's throwing up
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
running the faucet water is not hiding the sound of you vomiting. fyi.
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
Let me tell you the story of bicurious george
I HAVE NEVER BEEN FRIENDZONED IN MY LIFE AND THIS GIRL IS GOING TO MAKE ME QUESTION EVERYTHING. LIKE A GODDAMN CUNT. A WONDERFUL, BEAUTIFUL, MAJESTIC, LESBIAN CUNT.
my bed is a shrine, and I am its goddess.
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
I'm not talking about Donald Trump in the midst of sending you nudes
I'm surprised this is your first encounter with pepper spray. surprised, and somewhat proud.
no fucks will be given and no pants will be worn
i'll bring the vodka
Randomize
