I'm not conventionally pretty...I'm just crazy
Now I have to picture Dave Letterman having sex with all these women. Im the real victim.
She literally crushed my balls between her butt cheeks. It was both the greatest and worst thing ever. Dancers are awesome.
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
there's cocaine on the ipad again........... was your sister here last night?
I didn't want to see any of his nipples and now I've seen all three. Thanks.
One day soon I'll learn the difference between a good high and way too high. Today is not the day.
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
You wanna see what happens when frozen corn meets an unhappy Andrew's face?
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
There's hope in those eyes, for a better tomorrow or more cocaine, we may never know, but there's hope.
are you really asking me this. do you KNOW how many times i masturbate in a day? yeah. wrong person to ask about romance.
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