White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
ive realized i need to start an "avoid moving in with my parents after graduation" fund
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
He is now tagging himself in my pics from last year where he is barely visable in the corner. i feel like he's marking his territory.
Its the anniversary of our epic NBA All-star game weekend. The night the two of us cashed a 30-pack while watching the dunk contest
We were just at different life stages. He wanted to get married and have kids, I wanted to take MDMA and fuck my roommate.
"drunk introduce yourself to everyone colleen" came out last night... you kept grabbing guys faces that you just met and just kept saying their names over and over and over again so you wouldn't forget.. then would see them 5 minutes later to introduce yourself again..
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
Do you know anyone with a stuffed cougar? I want one for a self portrait to hang in my house. A bobcat or lynx might work too.
Strip clubs just aren't as fun when a man tries to drunkenly grind on you.
the bandages come off on Tuesday. we can try out my new breasts then.
Forever getting my life back together in gas station bathrooms.
My neighbor was my D.A.R.E officer and I feel like I've defeated him by smoking weed outside everyday
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
Randomize
