i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
before i die, we are going to oregon and playing oregon trails for real. like putting things in a hat & people will pull out whether they live or die. and they die of fun things like typhoid, dysentary, or hunting accident.
how do you have sooo much energy?
billy mays threw in a lil somethin extra when i ordered some oxiclean last week
I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
I just found cold cuts in the blender. You and beefeater can no longer have unsupervised parties.
He told me that I smelled like a Glade Plug-in, then sang the Menard's jingle in it's entirety in between kissing me.
So his "youporn" cam totally caught me stealing quesadilla leftovers.
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
Maybe you can hide out somewhere she would never go. Like a counseling center or AA
I guess I can give it a shot. I usually just get belligerently drunk and go where my penis and feet lead me. No fights or getting too lost, so they seem to be doing a good job
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
DO NOT FUCK YOUR ENGAGED GAY NEIGHBOR!
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