im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
you know you made it when your beer pong table is made from imported italian hardwood
shes the only person ive ever met that could make "i don't swallow" sound sexy
Hahah fuck. I keep looking to make sure that stupid line doesn't show up when my guards are down. Babies can sense fear.
judging from the number of limes and box of kosher salt on the counter therell be 8.5 gallons of tequila drunk this weekend.
sounds about right
At least I can pee in a cup like a champ at this point
THE ALMIGHTY HAS FALLEN DRUNKENLY OFF HIS HIGH HORSE AND INTO HOLLY'S VAGINA
He kept walking up to every girl at the party saying "Hi, I'm George Clooney. No I won't marry you." He left with three girls.
First highlight of the semester: campus safety caught me peeing in the dirt parking lot by kappa. Then as they were about to write me up, they recognized me, laughed, and left.
you know i have almost 1500 fb friends but not ONE drunk booty call?
You'd think it'd be fun living next door to a guy whose neck you once licked. Surprise, it's not.
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
you were grinding on the cop whispering for him to lend you his tazer.
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
Yes. With one-hundred percent positivity I can say yes, I do not want you covered in waffles and syrup when I come home.
Randomize
