"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
Balls are like the throw pillows of the penis
We're doing a case race on Saturday.
I'm in. I'm currently drinking a beer in the bathtub so I guess I can consider this "practice" and not just "alcoholism"
The plus side of face planted at the tailgate was that no one could see my nipples hanging out.
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
Nope. Daytime is texting time. Night time is you send me naked pictures time.
I've decided that my night was probably over when I started eating the penne vodka with my hands.
Just asked my roommate if she needs one of my old pill bottles to hold her weed during our move tomorrow. What has grad school done to me?
I'm hungry, horney and thirsty. Pick two you want to help out with.(please pick horney)
He said he "doesnt care at all, really" if I shave my legs or not. Challenge accepted.
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
He kept telling me that he didn't serve two tours in Iraq for my bitch ass to drink banana rum.
I love you, and I just washed my hair in my work sink with handsoap.
you were so high you asked for half double stack and half crispy chicken sandwich "welded together" in the wendy's drive through
I don't think it's a coincidence that the day I just happen to do the splits at the gym I come back with 7 guys' phone numbers.
Randomize
