I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
he made me stop in the middle of the blowjob to turn the tv towrds him. i then proceeded when he stopped me again to get him the remote. fuck me.
Screw this I'm going to go talk to her. If you hear sirens they're for me.
I walked into the garage and you were telling the bikes that you were not that drunk.
We found you naked curled up in a ball in the closet, using a gorilla suit as a blanket
eta to your mouth 5 minutes
College is a time for personal growth. Meaning it's time to start using those pickup lines on randos at dive bars.
one of the RAs is here. he told me his name is optimus prime and then took his shirt off and fell down
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
That's what tomorrow is for. It's like bloodletting. Except with shame and liquor.
We need a fire pit. Meat. And a keg.I mean like a cow we just carve from. And cook it. We can use the milk from the udder to make White Russians
i just found a red feather stuck to my penis and i really wanted to send you a picture but too much
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
Do you think you can chase a shot with chicken soup?
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
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