I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
You also had the stripper slap the shit out of me for not having any money....remember that?
Just found 50 pesos and a coke spoon in my dads old shit. Gotta love the 70s
remeber the saying "bad choices make good memories" dude our bad choices dont even make memories.
this cock blocking thing really has to end bro...its one thing to tell jen i live with my mom.. its another to cut the brakes on my car..
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
I got us chalkboard mugs. Now whoever comes home with us can feel comfortable in the morning! I am too considerate to my one-night stands...
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
You're not horrible. Thank you for my pandas.
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
I came so hard my entire leg seized. Her blowjob gave me a Charlie horse.
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
She fucked my eyebrows.. I've never had that done before.
Wait... Plucked, or Fucked?
Fucked, but I understand your need to clarify
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
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